i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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