im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
