I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
