To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
