I'm gonna have a badass scar
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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