I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
