If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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