Don't make out with my wife yet
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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