I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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