i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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