Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
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I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
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Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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