my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What a dumb baby whore.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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