i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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