Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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