Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
