How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
