i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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