I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
