my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
