Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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