"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
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