good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
