wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
