Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
They took my balls.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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