was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
