My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later