I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
too bad you live with your parents still
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.