I think i peed on brittanys purse
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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