I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
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This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?