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Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come