i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
