Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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