Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
