You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
