I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
