i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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