Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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