Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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