Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
