Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
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You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
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The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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