Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
why is half of my head shaved?
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