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Ambien. No doubt about it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize