We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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