his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
