textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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