normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
