remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
