She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
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She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
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i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize