I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
