All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
