I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
it's like iHOP with fire
cat food counts as protein by the way
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
