My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
