The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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