Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
