I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
