We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
