i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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