Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
