Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
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She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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