Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
