Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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